The Secret Confidence Booster We All Have

 

I came across this great article the other day by Kristi Hedges and thought you would find it helpful.

 “One of my favourite corporate satires is the movie Office Space. Like any good satire, it’s funny, yet truthful enough to make it uncomfortable to watch. In the movie, the lead character discontentedly works for a poorly managed technology company. After a botched hypnosis, he drops the corporate veneer and becomes brutally honest, totally authentic, and winds up being fast tracked for promotion because of it.

First, how many people would love to have the freedom to just say what they really think at the office?

And what is it about human nature – from job interviewing to dating – that when we play it loose and don’t try too hard, that we end up being more desirable?

I was reminded of this recently when a colleague was courted for her dream job. After an initial rush of anxiousness, she decided she was already in a good place and thus happy whether she got the job or not. From that point on, the recruiter pursued her even harder.

Now, I’m certainly not suggesting that we check out at work or stop giving our best. However, there is an interesting lesson here about detaching from the outcome. When we want something so much, we hold tight to it, and that limits our range of motion. On the other hand, when we can let go of a particular outcome, it can free us up to be open and to create even more opportunity for ourselves. We show up differently, with more confidence and agility.

I know this lesson well, and I still have to relearn it. The more attached I am to a particular outcome, the more control I try to apply. And that puts me squarely in my own way.

Here’s the thing: we usually can’t control the outcome anyway – it’s simply an illusion. All we can control is our reaction to the outcome. This doesn’t mean that we don’t try our best, only that once we have done all we can, we accept that the cards will play out as they will.  Berating ourselves after the fact is simply punishment. We’re far better off deciding what we’ll learn from the experience.

Whether the situation is making a sale, angling for promotion, earning the approval of another person, or yes, even dating; here are the reminders to consider to loosen your attachment to an outcome.

Consider that detaching from the outcome isn’t the same as lack of caring

Intentional detachment means recognizing that, although you might want a certain outcome, you know that it’s not completely in your hands. Detaching doesn’t mean you don’t care or that you’re lazy. It’s another approach to the same situation. Consider when we try to make a sale. We can do our best to make the customer see our virtues, but there are a myriad of factors that go into buying decisions.

It’s not easy for most of us to make that mental shift because we associate control, stress or effort with desire.  My favorite: coming to a situation with an empty cup ready to be filled rather than one filled with expectations. When our cup is already filled to the brim with our own attachments, there’s no room to add learning.

Challenge yourself to see any outcome as an opportunity that you can take advantage of, even if it’s just for learning.

As we reach higher levels of success it becomes harder to have a learner’s mind. We have a whole history of doing well that validates our own perceptions of a situation. This creates a script of how we think a situation should go, and leaves little room for open mindedness.

If you reframe your thinking that every opportunity teaches us something, then we can be open to multiple outcomes. We talk a lot in business about risk and positive failures. We can only take risks if we’re willing to learn on the other side of them. We have to create the space we grow into.

Allow yourself some time for disappointment, but put your energy into the next thing.

Detaching from the outcome doesn’t mean that we take a Pollyanna approach to any situation. We do care greatly, and that passion shouldn’t be ignored. After all, it fuels our success.

We need to build in reflection time for wins and failures. It’s natural to feel disappointment if we get passed over for a promotion or don’t get a coveted job. Then make the choice to not linger too long in this place. Move towards thinking about what you’re going to do now – to develop, change, try again, grow, pause, or set the next goal.

Lifehack.org contributor Ryan Clements calls this reset and start anew. “We accept what has happened,” he writes, “and then we commit to moving forward.”

Kristi Hedges is a leadership coach, speaker and author of Power of Presence: Unlock Your Potential to Influence and Engage Others.